Pets eh?


I have often wondered why people get so attached to their little fluffy ‘Monty’, ‘Molly’ or in our case ‘Marmite’. Lets face it, these companions are at best a comfort, at worst a goddamn pain in the arse. They are SUCH a responsibility. They need feeding of course, walking maybe, special care, and above all a good home. We all think we provide them with that. After all, many animals live in far worse conditions. And don’t forget, they understand you, they need you and they give you undying love and attention don’t they? I said, don’t they? Well, if you have a dog, then I think I can just about give you that. However, any other flippin’ creature on this planet doesn’t give you love! They may subject themselves to being with you for a few minutes, hours or whatever in the day but please don’t mistake that for LOVE. Mostly its ‘cos they are bored and can’t think of anything better to do than be with us. We are the equivalent to TV for them. We are cheap but fairly low grade soap operas. Lord how they must chuckle at us. I mean, we even talk to them! Hahaha, have you ever heard yourself? You NUTTER!

So, there I am with these two bloody house Rabbits left pretty much on my own for three weeks when the normal troublesome one decides that it is going to have tooth trouble. Well, by that I mean that the stupid thing has teeth that grow inside its mouth to the point that it cannot eat. Really. Well, how ridiculous is that? We have to take it to the vets to have its front teeth ‘clipped’ and then 6 weeks later it needs the damn things done again. They grow as fast as these animals multiply!

Well, the vet questioned my motives and suggested that maybe I should consider having its teeth surgically removed. It would be kinder maybe? What? Taken out, how will it eat? It will apparently have no problems at all as they dont use their front teeth for anything other than picking things up. OK, says I, it will stop these hundreds of vet visits and stop the little chap from being so stressed all the time. Lets go for it.

Two days later and £160 lighter, I return to pick up my little darling. The rest of the family have long since deserted me to leave me alone to deal with this bunny crisis! Home I bring him. Only, he doesn’t eat. Or drink. Not for two days. The vets jab him with some chemical gut stimulant and still he doesn’t eat or drink. Back I take him, overnight they keep him. They are now force feeding the poor little guy syringes of ‘recovery’ feed. I get a call to come and pick him up AGAIN as he is now much brighter and much happier feeding greedily on carrot and broccoli. Now I knew there was trouble afoot when I heard that as he has NEVER eaten carrot or broccoli in his short but full little life! Sure enough, home he comes with his syringe and recovery feed and there he sits. Doing nothing. Eating and drinking nothing and me ‘force’ feeding him this green gunk. You may think ‘force’ feeding may be a bit of an exaggeration and that I gently encourage him to lap at this formula. However, I don’t know what else to call it when you grab said bunny, have a 5 minute fight with it while you wrap him in a towel and tip him upside down whilst wrestling a 5ml syringe of muck into his gob!! Needless to say, I think about 1ml of fluid actually gets anywhere near his throat and half of that he simply leaves to dribble its way out again all over me.

I have absolutely no way of knowing how on earth he is still alive as he seems to only nibble grass and dandelion leaves a bit and never drinks anything. However, he seems to be ok and although the vet tells me he MUST have very regular bowel movements (he doesn’t seem to but how the hell do I know?) he seems to have decided that he can, after all, tolerate his brother and they will get on for the time being!

Meanwhile, I am left to fret and worry myself every waking hour and dash down in the morning to see if the little fella is still with us. Do you think he gives a flying f**k? Not on your jeffin’ life does he. Does he give me anything back for all this stress, cost, love, care, tenderness etc I throw daily his way? Nope. But still, I do love him…awwww. He doesn’t need his teeth I read on the internet, bunnies can easily eat without their front ones. We will see. Mine hasn’t yet. Oh and to cap it all, while force feeding him just now guess what I see growing back through his little injured gums? Yeah, but don’t go there, I refuse to.

Anyway, in between these trips to vets, fights with bunny not wanting to feed etc I have knocked up this little portrait of Peter Waterfield taken right after his Gold Medal victory with Tom Daley at the Diving World Series 10m Platform in Sheffield last month. Slightly different treatment here but I liked it!

Peter Waterfield

Peter Waterfield while talking to press after winning Gold in Sheffield


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